$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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