I'd wear matching sweaters with you
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
