I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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