he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
