I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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