I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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