I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
