I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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