If i come over, it means nothing
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
