is your mom at the bar?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
