Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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