My liver just broke up with me...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
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Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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