I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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