you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
