Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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