You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
