it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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