I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
