god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
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My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
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I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on