I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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