my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
