You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
