I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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