Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
