I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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