in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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