Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My cat gives me a boner
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
