Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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