the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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