And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Farmville is her only friend.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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