At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
