4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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