i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Someone came in the potted fern
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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