I just pynch a tree in the face
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
