My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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