So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
