It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
