what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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