A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Drunk is not a location!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
