Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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