Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
