Sry I called you an 8
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
