I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
