I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
A+ Viking dick
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
