i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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