yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
