cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
