listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
