i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
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My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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