matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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