the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
