He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
