If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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