I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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