i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize