wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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